Number 6.

Today I will give up the things I was holding on to.  Let it go.  Let it all go…and be love with and open heart…fear is not a part of the menu, is not an option.  If I indeed say I do better when I know better, then I draw the line allowing myself to be anything but kind and loving...no exceptions, no excuses.  I shall hold those around me to the same expectations, for if we allow each other to get away with harming others, we are, I am the enabler in that moment.

Today I put on my big girl dress and heart and choose to create my day and who I am and what I am in this moment.

This inspired me years ago...and did again today.  Brought love back to my life to appreciate all the things that I have experienced...it is why this post is called 'Number 6' so thank you @WongFuProductions for sharing your creations.

WATCH ME NOW PLEASE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvxHPtEsmFc

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I have told stories of how I hurt, over and over again...and I no longer wish to tell those stories...nor feel the pain I felt again and again.  It is time to leave it all behind mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Exhausted by hearing myself moan and groan and re-live those painful moments as if they were still happening to me.  No more...enough is enough.

I choose to remember them and be grateful for all they showed me, gave me, for they gave me time, energy and love to learn to love myself today.  They chose me, we chose each other for our lessons to learn and continue on our paths.  I am over flowing with gratitude.

I choose to challenge my speaking, my words and to fight to let go of the right to cause pain or allow anything but words of love and compassion to leave my lips.  That is a life worth living to me...because we are all doing our best, with our baggages, unfair experiences when we were young...but how long will we blame others and hold on to our pasts to give ourselves permission to hold on to the pain or remind others of those pains?

We all hurt...we have all lived through pains, loved, lost and will continue to.

I take this opportunity to venture back through memory lane.

WHO I LOVED

A boy with dimples and a smile, who fell for the cliche new blonde girl that came to our school one year...I was broken hearted, but I still chose to love him.  He never did take a look my way, but he was the reason I lied to my parents for the first time to take a risk for love.  Dropped off early at lifeguard lessons, I ran to his house 15 mins away, in the rain, to deliver a gift for his birthday that day.  His sister answered the door, and I didn't know who she was...she asked if I'd return, but I said no, I was just dropping off the gift - truth was, I was not invited haha.  I called him some point later that day or so to check if he got it...we spoke on the phone...and that was enough.  He liked the tune the music box played.  It was in the shape of a heart...and written on it was 'I Love You'.  I don't recall the melody, but I remember his face, how I felt when I saw him, and how happy I was that he had a piece of my love with him.

WHERE I LOVED

When people ask me what city I love the most, I say my hometown...Timmins Ontario.  It is where I learned to love, and began this life.  Where I loved the purist and most honestly was in my hometown, my first boyfriend, the feeling of young love, pure and joyful, impossible to replicate. Innocence…my first kiss.  A nostalgic love that neither of us could ever return to, and know exist.  We played out late in to the summer nights...we laughed, played video games, and were awkward with what to do with our feelings...but calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend was like the greatest accomplishment of all time.  His sister loved me, I loved her, his mom and all of those few summer weeks together...locked forever in the memory of my childhood that I can recall for a warm hug to my soul to remind me of young love and keep it alive.

WHEN I LOVED

A boy pure of heart and spirit or "Young dumb and full of cum" as he once said. Hah, he had and still has such a great sense of humour. I loved him despite our differences, distances and did my best to give him all of me until I could no longer.  I flew up to end our romantic relationship in person because there was no other way acceptable in my heart than to do so.  We cried with each other, made love a final time in the stand-up shower like in the movies (we had some epic movie love making times...he still glows over the #23) and then I poured tears as I looked out the airplane window to him standing watching the airplane taxi off to return me to a new beginning.  He taught me to never make excuses and find ways to send my partner love no matter the distance.  Care packages with items I knew would help him and us feel closer.  He taught me to love regardless of circumstances and that it was a beautiful thing to be with a man who could cry...I couldn't understand it at that age, but learnt to appreciate it last year when we saw each other again.  He taught me adventure, discovery and what it felt like to lay in the lap of a man driving extremely slowly so the bumps would not wake me.  He taught me that men do their best too and to appreciate the man in my life for all he is, not just what I want, need or expect him to be.

WHY I LOVED

To show another that love was real, possible and important.  He showed me that I did not love myself and had many things to work out.  He let me know how it felt to be thought of while he was away, always bringing a token of his trip back to share with me.  He taught me that I was selfish, that I was not the person I thought I was nor wanted to be.  He pointed out the things no one else had, and taught me to challenge myself further.  I learnt of balance and that I could accomplish anything I wanted...for our last in person conversation he said to me, "Thank you for teaching me to believe in love again."  I had forgotten that was the reason I chose him...and in that instance, felt peace.  If I know that love is real and possible, then it is my responsibility to show others...we all teach each other some thing.  He taught me what I needed to work on most to be able to be a powerful woman some day.  He taught me there was much I had to experience and learn in life, and that I was in a different reality, stuck...for when he said he had thought of proposing to me by giving me that princess Disney World Castle proposal...I felt confused.  Why was I so shocked that he would want to marry me?  He gave me access to parts of me no one else had ever shown me I had.  He gave me the gift of the capacity to learn to love all of myself.

WHAT I LOVED

Was a man who put me first, chose me wholeheartedly…and I couldn’t forgive myself for a long time for not having chosen him…I had not been ready but he taught me what it felt and looked like to be wholeheartedly loved and adored by a man.  He said our love was tragic…but we both grew and got love we had never experienced before.  He taught me what I truly deserved to feel in life…pure, honest, love. I loved how he loved me, how we loved each other and thought of each other deeply and often...in our every day actions...we could feel each other...laugh, eat, share and play.  I learnt how willing I was to put myself and my happiness above others, without regard for their pains.  I learnt that I was human...and to remember what it felt like to be with a man who put me first.  Upon our departure of our time, he said to me..."Promise me you will only be with partners who love you as good as I do, if not better."  Those words stuck with me, and I did not know how to honour those words, for I still had not learnt to honour myself...until now.  He taught me to never say never - for as a friend said goodbye at the airport, she also said, "Watch you find a China husband" and I went deer in headlights to 'are you FO SERIOUS face' and laughed it off with a HAHAHA NO WAY NEVER, can't STAND Chinese men!  Wow, what a lesson in views of what love was based on! 

Taking the time to revisit the past and appreciate the lessons and be thankful for those times and things I learnt through the grace and timing of others is a gift.

I loved many more Who What Where Why and Whens...and I used to believe that there was something wrong with me.  Why had I not gotten it right yet?  Was there something wrong with me?  Why had other couples found each other and made it work but I hadn't yet?  Perhaps it was being brought up in the grasps and clutches of immediate gratification...now now NOW.  Microwave food, instant messaging, a world speeding up quicker than I was growing up or could keep up...or is that more blame or focus on the negative?  I did learn recently through this video, that it has a LOT to do with what I witnessed as a child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hvysy11716g

I choose also to believe it is all part of growing up, being human and the process of life...the steps before being welcomed in to the era of the 30s.  That every thing has happened as it has been meant to, and I needed to suffer and hurt and feel all these arranges of emotions so that I could relate to others and have compassion...and be the example and beacon of love and light where ever I am, in each moment...because I know better and am committed to doing my best.

My truth:
I had not loved me yet...
so how could I truly have space to wholeheartedly love another?
How could any other ever love me if the me I didn't even know was in there, hadn't even come out yet?

I let go of all the pains my brain made up, and the ones caused intentionally and unintentionally.  I send all the beings who have blessed my life with light, energy, time, space and shared moments...with all the blessings this world has to offer.  When ever I am meant to leave this body and world, know I am at peace and grateful for having been loved and having loved so many.  Maybe they were all my greatest loves...each and every one.  Why the heck not choose to see them that way?  They were my heroes, they were my friends...they were my partners, lovers and guides.  It took me until now to appreciate them fully for all they gave instead of complaining about the things that did not go
'THE WAY MY MIND* WANTED IT TO GO.'
Reality vs. Fantasy...I chose to be with what is, instead of what is not, could be, should or should not be...there only is and ever will be...

what is.

NAAA...IMMA STAY

IN LOVE.

Thank you, from the bottom of my existence to the top of my highest self...for loving me when and how you did...for helping me learn and grow in to this woman I am today.

I don't recognize her, as I am discovering her capacities to love in each moment.  Her tenacity, beauty, humour, personalities, tastes, styles and heart.  This 'Black & White' photoshoot by my dear friend Claude Duke, revealed to me my courage to trust in the Universe and other creatives around me.  He saw something in me he wanted to capture...my movements, clothing, body, vulnerability at this time in my life...Quisha #2 as he calls her.  What a gift that he saw what he saw and that I trusted him enough to allow this moment to happen despite feeling reluctant and afraid to be seen in this time of transition and heartaches.  It is for him, I share these photos that captured me in moments Quisha #1 would not have shown...imperfect angle, shmile, hair, dress...some thing was always wrong.  I picked the perfect imperfect photos that captured a moment in time that I did not even fully realize, nor could see until Claude captured them for me.

How lucky I have always been to be loved by so many, and to be trusted by so many to be let so close to see, hear, feel, smell and sense you all.

I love you...I am love...and you are love.

We...are love.

Some day...I shall be someone's '6th'...and they will be mine...our love, will have it's time.  Until then, I shall continue to give love, share love, every moment possible...and challenge areas within my self that are afraid to be loving...I will soothe them, comfort them and bring them peace...with love.

For I once felt small

not seen by any at all

when really

I was afraid to be

ashamed I once chose myself

over saying no to being a bully

afraid that I would be alone

creating it

with each wall I built with stones

so thick

no thing could get through

and so I gave and gave my best to all of you

with one foot always

out the door

for who could love all of me

no one,

I was sure.

That was a me who served her time...

laughed and sang and bumped her divine

being against all the odds

to ask the question

what is love

please show me

help me

discover it's truth

for I really didn't know

& would not settle for that excuse

I looked in the mirror

said, "Hey Beautiful Girl

you're doing great

keep giving love in the World...

give to yourself

and to others

treat all with love

for we are all sisters and brothers

we are on our own paths

some for a reason, season...

others will forever last

you must keep going

spreading love

be the example

channel it from above."

we are never alone

unless we choose

to believe such a thing

for I leave gifts

not for the glory

but so my energy rings

out loud with love

when I am not there

so you remember I love you

and always feel my care.

My truth is that

who I loved

why I loved

where I loved

when I loved

and what I loved

ultimately were all the same

for what was important...

was that I was loving

to the best of my abilities

and giving my heart

even though it hurt

I kept rising

I kept giving

believing

that it is all

that truly matters.

"Thank you for teaching me to see that one of the greatest gifts we have of being alive is the ability to give, receive... and even lose love.  There are so many whose lives end before having any of those experiences.  What a waste, if we don't strive to love in our lives.  Why waste this life, not loving?" 

- WongFu Productions

Quisha Musiq Can sing from her experiences of Following Her Heart.

FINAL NOTES:
I LOVE YOU MOM & ALL MOMS OF THE WORLD!
I HONOUR YOU LIFE GIVERS AND I THANK YOU FOR GIVING US ALL OUR LIVES.  YOU INSPIRE ME & I WILL HONOUR YOU & CONTINUE TO LEARN & DISCOVER HOW TO HONOUR YOU IN EACH MOMENT.


MY 3 WISHES IN THIS LIFE:

May all women value and honour their ability to give life. 

May all men honour life givers and give us and our families safe communities to thrive, grow, live and experience this thing called life in.

May we all come together to love beyond all boundaries...experiencing it by giving, living and being love.

&

SO

IT

IS

!